kitchen design ideas tauranga

[singing] happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear ziggy blow! [amanda] the day i almost died waswithin a week of this beautiful human entering our world. it's been a big year girls and boys. it's been a really big year. i probably am the most physical person i know

i'm someone who just fizzes about life. and that changed in a moment when i divedoff my surfboard and broke my neck... on a sand bar. lola, do you remember when mumma broke herself? [lola] at the beach, and i was said you were sad weren't you. [amanda] i'm a sociologist, i'm a kite-surfer,and a mountain biker. i'm a mother, i have a gorgeous partnercalled gemma. [gemma] you have to keep going becauseamanda is awesome and we're awesome together...

and the kids need their mums...both of them. [amanda] there's your mumma look at you cute baby oh my gosh, i can't... i can't pick her up, i can't comfort her... and that breaks my heart. i was six foot in real life. there's a way of engaging with the worldwhen you're big and strong and tall. i will never love this way of being.

i will never accept it. but what i will do is, i will learn to bebrilliant with it and i am going to grow... with this, and i am going to do everythingi can to be really good with this. - one, two, three- nice! yay! got there yeah, there's mixed emotions about how ifeel about going home. wanting to get out in the world but alsobeing really afraid of what that means. - kia ora, come in!- hello, how are you darlings? [amanda] the cupboards are full of beautifulfood, and our friends are cooking some dinner...

and bringing it to us. we're just going to have ourfirst family dinner really... without the nursies and the whole lot ofstuff that goes on at the spinal unit. this is the first time we've been all together. there's a sense of excitement about all thestuff we've got to do... learn how to pick up stuff and learn howto roll and learn how to be a bit more at home in this crazy body. we need to be different than thiswe need to be more than just this. [amanda] it is quite difficult managingthe carers and the care situation.

we've got a relatively good crew but whenpeople fall over, you know... i've spent a lot of energy and a lot of timemanaging my care. oh! it's a mission eh! [amanda] my aim is still to be independantand to cut the care back as soon as i possibly can, but i'm just not physicallycapable of that yet. [amanda sighs] [carer] do you have to have a strap at all? - no!- no? [carer] was just asking

[amanda] sorry i don't know whythat tone popped out. [gemma] it's just so different now it's liketrying to work out... 'do i leave amanda alone in the house?' i wouldn't even think about that normallyyou know, you just go 'oh i'm going out'... 'i'm doing this' and now it's like 'ok'...sitting down trying to work out 'when do we need carers?''when do we need people there?'... you know, is it ok to go and hang out withmy mates and do normal stuff? it feels shit... and it feels like it's a bit meanbecause she can't do hers.

but i know i've got to do my stuff so i'vegot stuff to tell her about. [breeze and wave sounds] [amanda] it's all over-grown! you can't even see the silverbeet becauseof all the weeds! oh well... can you do it? - do you just need someone else to help?- yep, i'm here... you alright? - at least it's not 12 eh...- yeah [laughs]

[man] i certainly had my ring hanging out [amanda] i built the deck with my handsi stained it, i painted it... i did all of this stuff in my home andall of those half finished jobs... because i'm crap, will never be finished by me. [amanda] this was my place, this is wherei used to hang out and do everything. [amanda sighs] i just want to come home. but it doesn't really work does it? last time i was in here was the day beforethe accident, eh?

[gemma] yeah and, i was sleeping up top on that bunk. and i remember coming down, and lookingdown my body and just going 'it's so good! a six pack, i'm strong, i'm fit... i remember thinking 'it's a good body' [gemma] the first time we walked in hereand shane from acc said 'oh, i would consider moving' and i just burst into tears and went'we're not, we're not' and now i'm going'maybe we need to'

everything has changed, it's changed everything. there's plans to modify, we're meetingan architect here on friday... but i don't know, it might changeit too much. and, then if they fix the kitchen...because i made it tall for me, i'm six foot everything is for me and then you change thekitchen and then you lose. i just don't know if i'm up for that. that's the next part of this, trying tofigure out what to do. [gemma] sorry [amanda] this is cool, we need one of these at home

- ok- just drop me [laughs] [gemma] there you go [water splashes] [amanda] it's just gorgeous to feel that freedom for me, my body is constant really smallpins and needles. but it's like white noise it's like constant static. so when i get in the waterit just goes silent. it's this quietness and i love it immenselyand i want to be there all the time.

[therapist] so stretching should helpyou know, reduce the spasms as well. [amanda] i was still for four hoursno spasms at all for four hours. i was still, like a normal human. and i just went 'this water is the way to go'. i've upped the therapy sessions to twicea week because i love it so much and post-hydrotherapy i'm still, and my bodyis still and i feel relaxed and it's perfect. and you can move in a way in the waterthat you can't on land... you know, i feel really heavy and reallycumbersome on land but... the weightlessness of water is just...

it's what i remember. - ohh! hang on!- ok now that's an example of the fine disabilityaccessible pavements we have here in tauranga! and i'm sure it's the same in every little town but it's like someone has deliberately goneout of their way to make them impossible to use. half the time i'm like 'gemma grab me, help!" because it's too much! and i just can't do it. [gemma] i'll just do me first

[amanda] you do you as long as you're okthat's the main thing. yup [gemma] here baby girl [gemma] well done! aahhh! go on, in there! [amanda] there's a death of meof that wonderful, physical, fit me... i have to grieve that and say goodbye to thatand if you're not dark and black then you're not really dealing with stuff.

and i didn't realise how big it wasuntil i went home. so the home thing is when i realisedthe vastness of what this injury meant to me and my family. it's greedy, it takes up space,it takes up time, it's strangers in our world. shes always just done. and shes just so capable that... i think at the moment in the next coupleof weeks shes just going to keep hitting that... 'can't do it, can't do it' maybe it would've been easier if it hadended on that day

if i had just died, it would've been easierbecause this body is horrible to try and manage it is just the hardest thing i've ever doneand the cost to my family is massive and it's never going to go away. [gemma] hopefully she'll start seeingthe things she can do as we get more time with lola and with carersthat we can work with imbalance but it's certainly making our family, not fallbut, you know, it's those sort of things that just, at the moment feel really dauntingbut right now it feels like its really in our face. yay, woo! [carer] just there

[amanda] easy then eh? [carer] use your arms, use your arms [amanda] i will - that's it- yeah man! [carer] awesome, you're using your arms - well done!- go me! it's not about the beauty, it's about thepracticalities of it. - independance- independance man! [carer] once you can do it on herethen you can start doing it at home

- now just go back- ok right [carer] and again [amanda] hang on i'm falling off the seat [carer] one, two, three oh amanda! i know mate, i've just k o'd myself [both laugh] [carer] this is not quite how we do that!

i know! this is not pretty but she did it...and her pants are falling off. woohoo! [amanda] i assumed that within a year iwould be far more stronger than i am or be able to do more stuff than i canand i am still doing really well but... it's not as well as i thought. it didn't have the context or the understandingof what it would be like back home. it's about what has been lost and what i miss. the freedom and the joy of thisbeautiful place that we live in.

and i can't put my feeton the sand, i can't run... and i was blessed to livein this amazing environment and to have the physicality that let me enjoy it and i miss it immensely. i miss it so much. but, missing it means i'm grateful but that'salso not my reality now. [noise from digger] [lola] and my old kindy... [gemma] your old kindy and reecelives over there.

so we can go and see reece and kayla.yeah? [amanda] we've found a section and it's littleand it's bloody expensive! but it's on the edge of this beautiful wetlands. its got ten kilometres of wheelchairaccessible tracks... and there's eels, and there's ducksand there's pukekos it's beautiful, and that willbecome our playground. so we're going to have this house that isbigger than anything we would have chosen before because it kind of has to be. but the playground in front of usis this gorgeous wetlands.

it's going to be lovely. [gemma] the whole big thing we are tryingto do is to make it so that... she can roll in and out, she canroll around it... she can just be... who she is. so that's the new journey we're on and gemmaand i get to plan things for the future. and our future as a family, not just, you know'let's make do with this to fit amanda in'. it's kind of 'let's think about our whole life'and 'let's think about where we want to be' so that's quite exciting.

[gemma] we'll protect ziggy from the dragonsand we won't point sticks at it. [amanda] it's not like i've changedmy body might be a little bit more broken... and i have to do a little bit more planningbut i'm still going to do things that make my heart happy, and kind of make my heartbeat a bit faster and get scared a little bit. i like that. [amanda] so right now i go tothis place called 'ccs'. they do swimming lessons for lolabut they also work with lots of kids and adults with differentlevels of disability. i can't feel my feet go in and i can't feelmy legs, and it's only when the water

touches my hands and under my armpitsthat i can feel the temperature of it. so that's quite weird. and if i close my eyes, i don't knowwhere my feet are. so the perception stuff is still really odd. i'm learning to use my body and we're sort offinding muscles that hadn't been acknowledged that are still firing, so i can kind of...i've got a little bit of belly going on and i can move myself in quite acontrolled way in the water. obviously far easier than being on land. [splashes]

- i need a bigger pool!- i know! [amanda] one year post injury, 'go me!'you know, i've got really good support. and it matters to me, and it brings joy. and when i'm in there, then i feel normal. then i feel like the old me. [gemma] the more she competesthe more she does swimming the more confidence she gains. and the more she comes back as amanda. so yeah, keep coming back.

i feel a little bit empowered and the joy iscoming back, my mischief is coming back. my sense of humour is coming backand i'm coming back. not too tight otherwise it will be like...my muscles won't be able to expand. [man] one, two, three, up! [amanda] bring it! - ok?- yeah [amanda] now we need a belt to holdme in place. [man] yeah, ok.coming over. [amanda] i wasn't ready to engage with otherpeople in wheelchairs until

i reached a point of acceptance for myself. [man] can you feel that? i don't know, can't feel a thingit's all good! [amanda] i got into a wheelchair and had a go at wheelchair rugby and went 'this is so fun!' and people with legs are the minority excellent! and there's this kind of lovely unsaidcomradery with all the boys who're there. and you get in there and you get to just...you get to be free!

and you get to use your body. like, all of the body you can use, you use. [whistle blows] [amanda] rugby is the first thing i'vedone where it's just about fun. and rolling around and smashing into peopleand being competitive and... engaging with a bunch of people where there'sa commonality and there's a story and you don't have to explain... they don't look at you funny, they just...there's just an accpetance and it's quite a joy to my heart to just

roll in amongst a whole lot ofpeople who are just the same. it's the same kind of feeling aswhat i had doing other sports. my friend goes 'i didn't realise you hadso many teeth!' becauase all i do is... throw around with a big grin. i just, i want to get really good at itand i want to learn and i want to be part of these guyswe're going to kick ass, it's awesome! so fun!oh, so happy! [amanda] i want to win a lot and ineed to learn the rules

and i get really annoyed with myself ifi'm not doing it right. so all of that same old 'a-type'human thing that i had. is now infiltrating into my sporting lifein a wheelchair. it's good! if there's any limitations, then i'm justgoing to smash them. that's it. and obviously to my own detrement at timesbecause i don't realise that actually i don't have the energy that i did have before. [amanda] feels so nice sweet, thank you. i'm sore today.

[amanda] there's a vulnerability in this. there's nowhere to go other than to be hereand go 'well this is me' i can't pretend that i can do all of thesethings, i'm just who i am. so, when you have a conversation with meit's the truth, it's my truth. the ego part of me hasbeen stripped away. it's almost like enforced monk-hood. when you remove all of the kind ofpleasures, for me which... was absolutely based on physical expressionthen you kind of get to the soul part of you and the spirit part of you and the...

yeah, you get to be still and you get to bethoughtful, and it's different. [amanda] gemma's trying to figure out how tobe a partner of someone who is in a wheelchair. she's having to do all this stuff that'sabout being strong. she's having to put me into carsand fix my wheelchair. and do things that she never would have donebecause i was the one who changed tyres... and did all of that kind of more 'blokey'sort of things in our relationship. and so she's just rising up and finding herfeet, and is driving in the dark and all the things she hates, you know.

and then for me i've softenedand i have to be soft. because you can't be all fighty in this position. you have to be vulnerableand you have to be open. i was so capable, so capable. chopping, doing, making, creating... everything... these were the things thatmade it all happen. now they don't work, how do you contribute? how do you contribute to your family whenall you have is your voice and your presence. and i know you'll go 'well thats significant'and it is significant.

but it's not enough. and i need there to be more. ok, put her to the edge first. sit her herestop here. stop here first bub. no, no, stop here and then jump down. then you jump down. and then you put your hands under her arms. gently, yeah that's it.

and now you put her on the ground. gently. so in an odd way there's more balancein our relationship, because of this. and there's more voice, and there's more space... because i was usually off too busy having funand kiting, and playing, and you know... not really paying attention, and this wayit means i am in the moment. and i'm present, and i'm availableand i'm listening. so my family gets the better dealin a really odd way. [gemma] amanda was 'let's get on the bike''let's hoon, let's go'.

so scarily i might have to do thehooning bit which means. we're going to be going much slowerand amanda's going to do the more... 'let's be at home stuff' for a bit. but i don't know if it's always going to belike that, i'm hoping it won't. [amanda] i think in some relationshipsthe roles get quite static in the parts you play. and what this has done is, this hasshaken that up completely. [gemma] got it? [amanda] the loss of spontaneity is themajor thing that we miss. my heart just hurts at trying to organisetime away or just even go to the beach

and the pressure it puts on gemma for usto go and do anything... you know, getting not only ziggy readyand chasing lola around but it's loading me in... it's gone, it's not possible.i don't know how to get that back. maybe that will never come back. [gemma] she's still very much'she's not going to be in the wheelchair' this is going to change, she's going to beout in two years. i notice there's odd sentencesand odd bits of... 'we're going to be able to traveleven if i'm in a wheelchair'

so, even though she's still going'i'm going to get up and walk' i think there's a realisation that it might belonger than two years. and it possibly may not happen even thoughshe won't think that. it's starting to sink in. which is huge. it's a big thing, to accept. i'm a little apprehensive, but i knowthis stuff and i'm good at it. and it used to make me super happyso i think this is going to be an awsome step i'm really excited.

i always wanted to go back to work. i think maybe that was the first planthat i needed to go back and reclaim that. because that was part of my identity. going back to uni is almost like breathingspace, it's like something different. i'm out of my vacuum of rehab andlife in this house. i get to go and communicate with other peopleand see what they think and watch their faces. check it out!checking it out... morning [amanda] so today we're off to uni, so weneed to figure out how we're going to do it.

- with you, and me, and class and stuff- alright, cool - yep- cool - alright let's get our stuff then- ok [amanda] it's just really importantfor me to contribute. my hands don't work and i can't physicallydo what i used to do around the home but to just bring in a little bit of moneyit's not heaps, but to bring in a little bit makes me feel really stoked. like, i'm buying the groceries this week. and all the pressure is not on gemma.

kia ora, kia ora, kia ora, and welcometo sociology 101. i think what's really cool about this paper isin your adult life you have all of these ideas and all of these understandings of the worldand some of them are... you can't see the connections between themand sociology creates this fabulous framework and so it gives you the words to be able to articulate inequalities and diversityand difference. [amanda] you live in a bit of a bubblewhen you come out of the spinal unit you know, you're surrounded by carersand family and friends who just absolutely support you

and it's not until you step back out intothe world and go 'well how can i contribute?' that you start to see that you still havevalue, you still have skills that you still are part of it. i think being in a chair just becomesa tool to expand their ways of thinking. it makes me realise that i can still dowhat i used to do and the students relate to me in the same waythat they used to and... it's invigorating, and i know i'm in theright place, and i can't wait to come back. it's perfect. [gemma] ok, stick the point instick the point in first

[amanda] i will push through and i willfind new ways to be brilliant and i will find new ways to have joyand i will laugh. and i will play with my kids. and i've got an amazing family and amazingfriends and that hasn't changed... just my packaging.

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